Let me preface this by saying that I do not think I’m ugly (not even a little bit), nor are any of my readers ugly. You are all beautiful in your own way. However, there are people out there not as fortunate as us.
I always wonder, “Do ugly people know they’re ugly or do they go through life thinking they look good because nobody tells them otherwise?”
I often answer myself: “Yes, they know they’re ugly. How could they not know? The world sends signs to ugly people to remind them of their ugliness.”
I firmly believe that. Here are those signs:
- When a baby sees you for the first time, it stops smiling/laughing and simply stares at you. Yes, all babies stare. Yes, they are easily startled. However, if the baby continues to look at you like you have something nasty growing on your face, well – you do.
- When you walk into a department store, nobody offers to help you. I walked into JC Penny last week to look for a shirt, and the moment I walked into the men’s department, two different women came up to me and offered to help. Some people see this as doing their job, but I see it as them wanting to help a non-ugly person as opposed to an ugly person.
- If you work as a waiter or waitress, you routinely get awful tips. Granted, sometimes people simply suck at their jobs, even pretty people. But if you do a good job and you notice that your tip is smaller than your pretty co-worker, it’s probably because you look like a bag of smashed assholes.
- If you’re at the bar and the bartender gets your drink last. No worries, you’ll get your beer eventually. You’ll just have to wait until the pretty people in line get their drinks first.
- If your significant other always compliments your stunning personality and never your looks. A wise man once said that he’d rather a woman hate him and think he’s good-looking as opposed to liking him and thinking he’s ugly. That man was George Costanza. He’s correct. Many people say that real beauty is on the inside. Bull shit.
- If you simply can’t get a boyfriend or girlfriend. There’s a difference between wanting to be single and having to be single. Anyone can find a boyfriend or girlfriend, even average people. Beer makes that possible. But if you’ve tried for years to find love and can’t, time to think about buying a new face.
- When you get turned down for a job in favor of someone with lesser credentials. People want to work with pretty people. It might be discrimination, but I’m sure they’ll lie and say something like, “The other guy had more experience” or “We really thought she interviewed well.” That may make you feel a little better, but deep down you should know that it happened because they looked better than you.
- When you’re in college or beyond and you grow tremendous acne. Your body is trying to cover up your face. That’s all it is. How many times have you said, “That person would look good if it wasn’t for all the acne?” None, because the acne is there to help hide the ugliness.
- When you realize that you hang out with one hot friend and the rest are ugly. Girls pull this shit all the time. One hot girl will surround herself with a bunch of uglies to increase the chances of her meeting a guy or, in general, to make herself feel better about herself. If you look around and notice that you have one cute friend and five uglies in your group, you are one of the uglies.
- If you are offended by this blog entry. If you are sitting on your phone or at your computer and laughing at this, congrats, you are not ugly, but more importantly you have shown an ability to take a joke. If you’re really pissed off right now, well, sorry about your face.
Like I said, none of my readers are ugly. Give yourselves a pat on that back. My day of blogging is done. Until Friday…